Order of the Black Eagle is one of those films that sounds amazing from the start. Secret agent/Bond knock off? Amazing. Nazi scientists and laser weapons? Holy cow. A baboon sidekick that flies planes? Sign me the fuck up. What you get, however, is a mess of bad screenwriting, lack of music, long and tiresome scenes, all of which is really kill the mood. The movie starts in Geneva, I think, where some science guys are talking. Suddenly FUCKING NINJAS show up and steal one and hooking him to a helicopter and it just kind of flies away with the scientist tethered to it. This then cuts to DUNCAN "THE DESTROYER OF PUSSY" JAX stealing some diamonds from what seem to be middle eastern men in DC. He does this successfully but then drops his tech glasses that sets off the alarm. Woopsie Doodles I did a secret agent oopsie! He fights his way up to meet up with the hero of the film, the baboon, who flies him away. They land at a party where a secret agent handler guy talks to him and then they go their separate ways. They then talk more at a polo game and then they leave. Duncan is then driving back to talk to this guy who told him about the Nazi theft of laser scientist and some chick cuts him off on her horse. Duncan swerves out of the way and then this woman looks at him as if he almost hit her rather than the other way around. Duncan meets up with handler guy and then they talk about the mission about Duncan becoming a member of the Nazi group by looking like a member they have captured. His partner will be Horse Girl who is snippy and full of spunk the entire time. They go to the set of Legend of the Hidden Temple where the Nazis are and they have a nice dinner. While there the group of Nazis are shown a video of a satellite exploding and then is told that it was a communication satellite. They then are shown the best effect of the movie of a CYROGENICALLY FROZEN HITLER THAT IS BEING HELD BY THE NAZIS.
Cut to the night where Horse Girl (who has been nothing but a bitch to Duncan) starts to make out with him. Yes its as sudden as it sounds. They sneak out to save laser scientist and is caught, Duncan is put in water trap and just left alone to escape while girl is captured. A chase occurs where the only important part is that there is a decapitation. When Duncan avoids the Nazis he meets a woman he apparently knows who tells him to come with her to meet the team. They get on a bus and meet handler who chides Duncan and they meet up in a Western town with cowboys and banditos to meet the crew of misfits that will help them fight the Nazis. This is where the movie kind of goes off the rails. They fight banditos and soon escape the town and lose the bus due to a HILARIOUS scene where they all push the bus, but OH NO, NO ONE IS DRIVING THE BUS!!!!! They get on a boat with a secret gadget guy who they met earlier and there is no reason for him to be there, and then comes the worst scene. Here is a 15 minute scene (could be hyperbole but it felt like it) where there is no music, only boat sounds since the camera men are on the boats with them next to the engine. Nothing happens, its just a boat scene. The penultimate scene is not important, they storm the temple, people die, Hitler dies, its really fucking long, but there is a tiny tank driven by a baboon. Yes, you read that right, a baboon tank killing Nazis. Fuck yes. The final scene takes place on the boat that got them there where Duncan and Horse Girl get in a hot air balloon that’s on the boat and fly away.
Order of the Black Eagle is one of those films that on paper sounds like B-Movie bliss, but on execution it turns to a horrible outhouse style shit pile that has been in the sun for waaaaayyyy too long. There are funny moments in the beginning that can really catch you and make you get through to the end and it seems like an actual budget was put in to the explosions and action. There's a couple of good stunts that genuinely impressed me and the others watching, but the long and tiresome chase scenes that have little excitement really kill it. HAVING A LOCKED CAMERA IN A CHASE SCENE IS BAD, MOVIE MAKERS, COME ON. I would say watch it with some friends and if you can get through that middle part, and a little bit of the end, maybe you can find some enjoyment. I would probably watch it again with more alcohol and people, especially if its not at 1 in the morning.
DISSAPOINTING BABOON / 10